Let’s Talk

The thought process about being mentally unwell and alone.

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Let’s talk mental health. Let’s talk about the reality. Let’s skip over the romanticism that has risen.

Let’s talk about how on a Saturday night I am sitting in my bed, feeling the strongest suicidal thoughts I have ever experienced. Yet here I am, keeping it silent because I don’t wish for the blue lights to come pick me up and dump me into a psych ward. To some, this may seem strange and attention seeking. To me, I am looking out for the rest of my family, who are so blissfully unaware of the cravings to numb everything. I am hoping to pass out from pure exhaustion for sleep tonight. Unfortunately, I have no alcohol so I cannot drink until I pass out. That is always the easiest way to go.

Let’s talk about how in six months I have developed a numbing method that involves alcohol. Let’s talk about how this method is choking out my relationships one by one, as people become overwhelmed and in truth, just over it and bored.

The thoughts fade for a bit on a temporary basis before the distraction of typing wears off and my brain focuses straight back on what I am trying to get rid of.

This has been the pattern for around two weeks now. And I am exhausted with fighting. I am craving the blackness and nothingness. No more pain. No more tears. Just pure bliss and calm.

There has been no period in my life in which I could classify myself as being ‘normal’. The constant uphill battle it creates for me is draining. how lovely my brain is, making a personalised war that only I can see.

Ironically, as you start getting help, you become worst. All the memories that were suppressed and neatly packed away are now floating around at free will, and with these memories, the pain comes with them. I thought I finally found a support system that I would be able to fall back on. It was the only reason to why I started opening up, finally telling the professionals what had happened to me. Yet, mental health invades and destroys healthy relationships. And it did. With guns blazing. You could say that the time period in which it all went wrong could set a record. From the feeling of motivation that maybe this time I’d be able to get better – fast forward 14 hours and it was all over. I thought I had the safety net that I so needed to be able to jump. Now I am falling at a rapid rate, straight to the earth’s surface with nothing to catch me.

So here I am, left with the pain that is now free flowing, and with no antidote or morphine to get me through it. The only person to place the blame on is me. It was me that created the accounts on the chatrooms, I put myself into that situation, and now I am a shell and writing this aimlessly. Writing as I try to not succumb to the voice telling me that death is here with open arms.

There is the cliche that you have to sort yourself out by yourself. But how can one help themselves when there is no outside support? This philosophy has never worked for me, I am honestly intrigued if it has worked for anyone else. Solely doing it by themselves, with absolutely nobody by their side.

Becoming a Radio Presenter

Year Two of being at university means you have already settled into the swing of university life and looking after yourself, it also means you can plan your time out better and you know what is coming at you with assessments.

For me, it meant it was time to start getting involved with societies. In my first year, I wrote for the university’s newspaper on a monthly basis and I was a member of the English society, simply for the 10% discount in the bookshop. There was also a part of the last term when I and the other girls from my flat went to Zumba and danced our hearts out…

Fast forward to societies fair and already planning what ones to join. It was my friend Phaidra that actually got me thinking about the radio, she was the one who asked me if I was going to the introductory talk. At that point, I went ‘why not’ and there I was in the studio learning how to use the Jazzler, aka how to put music on. Before I knew it, I and Phaidra had signed up to host our own show on a Tuesdays before we went to Yogalates – I am definitely on a society crazy one this year.

Listening back to the mp3 file of our show, as all shows are recorded, I find myself being a self-critic and mentally making notes of how to improve our show. From something that seemed so far out of reach, getting involved with the Junction11 team is literally filled with everything fun. A social with free pizza is always going to favoured.

And now I find myself wanting to join the Lacrosse society.

I think there is a society bug because I have definitely got it.

 

Moving onwards.

It shall be a long way up the mountain but I have my motivation to start.

Hello my lovelies,

So this may be chemically altered, but it is fabulous that my head is able to concentrate on other things than the past. There is so much ability, that I am a bit like an excitable puppy running around from one thing to the other, not being able to focus for long because I just have so much to do and get done.

However, there is the fatigue, oh the fatigue, I have been in bed all day. Guaranteed I am not going to sleep until the early hours but even with 10 hours, I am struggling to move.

A way I can describe how my brain feels is when I first got drunk and I couldn’t remember a thing about the memories. I can stare at the trees and it is peaceful.

My support network is very strong, the strongest it has been. My trip to the hospital brought a lot of things into light and it has taken a great deal of conversation to get everyone understanding what is going on. It is also amazing that I am not being viewed a psycho or crazy person, and there is patience that is being practised.

I have to admit it is difficult to explain to my parents the trap I fell into, and it was very surreal when it became real that what I went through was a crime and that these men were not my friends or being nice to me out of the kindest of their hearts.

But I am able to get up without wanting it to be over, and I am able to see some light in the distance. The medication has me restless and up and down but overall, I am smiling and I have my fight back, I am just starting out this path to finding who I am away from what defined me.

Love,

Megan x

Life on Medication

Hello, all you lovely people.

My previous posts have been written when I was in a secondary state in which my brain tends to start winning that battle over me.

On Sunday, I made the decision that I couldn’t continue this fight without assistance. After 5 hours and a trip to be psychiatrically assessed, I am now back on medication to stable my mood. After years of refusing to ever need medication again, I am at peace with my decision and very proud of myself for sticking through it.
I am less stressed in regard to sleeping now, I can’t say if it is the medication kicking in, or if it’s the knowledge I am safe.

I would like to again address a few things that have happened specifically on this blog. Whilst I understand everyone is entitled to their opinion, I kindly ask for no one to judge characters in my life, this is unfair to all involved.
I am writing this blog to raise awareness to the reality of mental illness and the journey I am undertaking to get better. I am not writing this to paint people in bad lights, and I hope I have made it clear that I have no hatred for anyone that cannot handle the seriousness of my problems, even I can’t do it.

In the positives that have come from this hell weekend, is that I know now how supportive my, network of friends are and there is no judgement, only support. I have also realised I have helped others in their times of need without even knowing. I go by the motto that to do to others what you wish others to do for you. Following this, I believe that life doesn’t provide us with space to hold grudges and hold onto negative thoughts. Instead, I will let the negativity go as I move my life away from the source of such negativity and continue my own goals and journey.

For anyone that reads this and is in a dark place, there is light, that is a promise. People are willing to help. It takes courage and bravery for you to be continuing your fight. Reach out and there will be support, there are useful website links on my page as well. And remember that I am proud of you for sticking with it.

Much love,

Megan x

Let’s re-evaluate

Just need to clarify some things.

I am not angry with anyone or blaming anyone for being unable to be there 24/7. This person has been with me throughout every episode I have had this year and there have been many. I think everyone is allowed to say that they can’t cope and it should be a respected decision. It was only more difficult for me as I had solely relied on one person when I was low, and the removal of this showed the cracks in the way I have been dealing with things.

This has made me message a range of friends and reach out to them that I needed their support. What I got back were messages of love and much-needed support. I also was in a way made to talk to my mum about how I have been feeling as I didn’t have that one person to go to.

Everyone in my life are people of sunshine and rainbows. I have trouble trusting so everyone has gone through months of me sussing them out to how close I allow them to come to me.

Thank you all for likes, comments and advice, just needed to clarify that I am not trying to paint anyone in a bad light and I fully respect everyone’s personal decisions.

This is reality

This is the voice that is explaining I will never get better, no matter how hard I work at it, I will always fail.

I never knew a human tear duct had the ability to produce so many tears in such a short time space.

This is suicide. This is the voice that is telling me the only way out is to let death take me.

This is the voice that is explaining I will never get better, no matter how hard I work at it, I will always fail.

This is the fear that I will always be like this.

This is the anger that I wouldn’t be like this if men hadn’t abused me.

This is the sadness that I am left alone again. This is the trying to get myself through the days when I wake up suicidal. This is the exhaustion that is caused due to the fear of sleeping. This is the worrying that my education is going to be jeopardised if I go book myself into the hospital as a suicidal case. This is the fear that once I admit my thought process I will be treated as a sub-human with no choice on what I want to happen.

I have been asking out loud for someone to just end it all for me. I have admitted that they have won and I am exhausted from trying. I have been keeping myself quiet because I don’t want to continue hurting people.

This is the constant state of panic that I thought I had the answer to deal with. Yet people think that you need alone time to focus on yourself and get better. We don’t need alone time. We need support and care. I feel so feeble, like a baby bird who doesn’t know how to fly, yet I jumped.

This blog is for awareness, not for romanticism. This is the stark truth of having your brain want to kill you and you have no way out anymore.

This is the second day that I have been urgently wanting medication to sort the chemical imbalance out. I would have known how to deal with it before, but I have no tactics that I can use anymore.There was no plan B because I thought plan A was invincible. Now I understand that it is wrong to rely on people. There is no blame. Just wish I knew plan B is always needed when something as fragile as death is being messed around with.

I lost myself in the attempt to seek help. Now I have everything on the highest level of pain and zero morphine.

This is my want to be productive and get on with things. This is inability to do so.

Five Ways To Survive.

It’s the little things that go the furthest.

  1. Find something that helps distract you, it can be something as simple as going for a walk and looking up at the sky and trees.
  2. Listen to some music and move a pen around on a piece of paper depending on the way the music goes. Match the dynamics of the music to the dynamics of the line.
  3. Remember to hydrate and eat. Even if it is only a biscuit. You need food.
  4. Focus on your breathing and talk to yourself in a pep talk. Telling yourself that you are safe and that it will pass and you have got through it this far that you have the strength to keep going.
  5. Don’t block people out who are trying to help. Yet don’t invite people in that may not be able to handle the intensity as this can be toxic and undo all the positive work you may have done.