It shall be a long way up the mountain but I have my motivation to start.
Hello my lovelies,
So this may be chemically altered, but it is fabulous that my head is able to concentrate on other things than the past. There is so much ability, that I am a bit like an excitable puppy running around from one thing to the other, not being able to focus for long because I just have so much to do and get done.
However, there is the fatigue, oh the fatigue, I have been in bed all day. Guaranteed I am not going to sleep until the early hours but even with 10 hours, I am struggling to move.
A way I can describe how my brain feels is when I first got drunk and I couldn’t remember a thing about the memories. I can stare at the trees and it is peaceful.
My support network is very strong, the strongest it has been. My trip to the hospital brought a lot of things into light and it has taken a great deal of conversation to get everyone understanding what is going on. It is also amazing that I am not being viewed a psycho or crazy person, and there is patience that is being practised.
I have to admit it is difficult to explain to my parents the trap I fell into, and it was very surreal when it became real that what I went through was a crime and that these men were not my friends or being nice to me out of the kindest of their hearts.
But I am able to get up without wanting it to be over, and I am able to see some light in the distance. The medication has me restless and up and down but overall, I am smiling and I have my fight back, I am just starting out this path to finding who I am away from what defined me.
Hello, all you lovely people.
My previous posts have been written when I was in a secondary state in which my brain tends to start winning that battle over me.
On Sunday, I made the decision that I couldn’t continue this fight without assistance. After 5 hours and a trip to be psychiatrically assessed, I am now back on medication to stable my mood. After years of refusing to ever need medication again, I am at peace with my decision and very proud of myself for sticking through it.
I am less stressed in regard to sleeping now, I can’t say if it is the medication kicking in, or if it’s the knowledge I am safe.
I would like to again address a few things that have happened specifically on this blog. Whilst I understand everyone is entitled to their opinion, I kindly ask for no one to judge characters in my life, this is unfair to all involved.
I am writing this blog to raise awareness to the reality of mental illness and the journey I am undertaking to get better. I am not writing this to paint people in bad lights, and I hope I have made it clear that I have no hatred for anyone that cannot handle the seriousness of my problems, even I can’t do it.
In the positives that have come from this hell weekend, is that I know now how supportive my, network of friends are and there is no judgement, only support. I have also realised I have helped others in their times of need without even knowing. I go by the motto that to do to others what you wish others to do for you. Following this, I believe that life doesn’t provide us with space to hold grudges and hold onto negative thoughts. Instead, I will let the negativity go as I move my life away from the source of such negativity and continue my own goals and journey.
For anyone that reads this and is in a dark place, there is light, that is a promise. People are willing to help. It takes courage and bravery for you to be continuing your fight. Reach out and there will be support, there are useful website links on my page as well. And remember that I am proud of you for sticking with it.
It’s the little things that go the furthest.
- Find something that helps distract you, it can be something as simple as going for a walk and looking up at the sky and trees.
- Listen to some music and move a pen around on a piece of paper depending on the way the music goes. Match the dynamics of the music to the dynamics of the line.
- Remember to hydrate and eat. Even if it is only a biscuit. You need food.
- Focus on your breathing and talk to yourself in a pep talk. Telling yourself that you are safe and that it will pass and you have got through it this far that you have the strength to keep going.
- Don’t block people out who are trying to help. Yet don’t invite people in that may not be able to handle the intensity as this can be toxic and undo all the positive work you may have done.